I am kicking myself this morning. Because I didn’t get the results I was wanting, I gave up trying over these last two weeks. I’ve eaten more than I should, but I really couldn’t tell you how much because I AM STILL NOT TRACKING MY FOOD. I have not done any form of exercise since Valentine’s Day, either. That’s TWO WEEKS of going back to my old way of living, and I have no excuse.
I have sabotaged myself at every attempt I’ve ever made to lose weight, and this time is really no different. Every single time I have tried Weight Watchers or any other plan to get healthy, I give up at the first sign of struggle. This time, at least I hung on longer than I have in the past. I struggle with the fact that I have only lost 15 pounds in 30 weeks. I have paid for 7 months of Weight Watchers, and that comes out to about $20 for each pound I’ve lost. Did you hear that? $20 PER POUND. Really, you can buy a great steak for a fraction of that. You can buy 6 gallons of gas for that.
I have been irritated at my last few meetings, because I have grown so tired of hearing people that have just started in January and are already WAY ahead of me. Even when I was going to two exercise classes a day, every single freaking day, I still couldn’t compete with the results some of these other people were getting. I sit there, and listen to countless people announcing great results — earning a sticker, a keychain, etc… Then I plaster this fake smile on my face and clap along with everyone else, when in reality I’m thinking of how much of a failure I am for NOT making this work like everyone else.
So last night, I stayed home. I felt like I needed a break. I needed to NOT sit and hear about other people’s successes. I needed the chance to take a step back, regroup, and decide what my new game plan will be going forward. I was going strong for so long, and I had already surpassed that whole “Do something for 21 days and it becomes a habit” that I’m always hearing about. I had started ENJOYING EXERCISE. I loved the feeling of walking down to the fitness center in my office, and lacing up my tennis shoes, knowing I was making a good choice for my body, mind and spirit. And then, I just QUIT. I got lazy, I slipped, and couldn’t (or wouldn’t) pull myself back up and get back on the horse.
I know that to hold myself accountable for my success OR failure, I needed to go to that meeting last night. I needed to hear words of encouragement from my leader, and I needed that weekly dose of inspiration from whatever the weekly topic was. Most of all, I needed to step on the scale and see what two weeks of neglecting my body has done for me. But no matter how much I needed it, I also had to admit to myself that feelings of jealousy, resentment, or envy towards other members’ success is NOT paving the path for my own success.
So like I said, today is a new beginning. I’m taking my two weeks of eating junk, skipping last night’s meeting, not tracking my food, the Girl Scout cookies, the fast food, the huge restaurant portions I’ve shoved in my mouth, and I’m PUTTING IT ALL IN THE PAST. I am moving forward. I won’t make my March goal and possibly not my October goal that I originally planned, but I’m going to just keep showing up to my meetings, and keep following the Plan. I will try not to worry so much about what other people are doing, because everyone is different. I need to have more confidence in myself and not worry about anyone else.
I need to stick with it. No matter what, because my life depends on it.