It’s a thought, a nudge, a sign, a push, it’s something…

If you are reading this through a Feed Reader, I apologize! I am currently in the process of moving old posts over to this new blog. Bear with me!

Whether you believe in God or not, do you think that all people at one time or another have “feelings” about something that they are being called to do? It’s not just Christians that experience this, I’m sure. I’m not talking premonitions, but something more than just a “gut feeling” compelling you to take action?

Do you ever see an event happening, and you feel something tugging at your insides telling you to do or say something?

A few years ago, hubby and I were having a conversation, and somehow it turned to the fact that we weren’t going to have any more kids. Then out of nowhere, a comment was made by one of us mentioning that the only way we’d consider having another child would be to adopt a child– no babies or toddlers, but a school-aged child. We never really seriously discussed it, but it was a conversation that put something on a back burner in my brain, and its been there ever since.

Over the last few years, I have thought about it every so often, and occasionally I have checked out the website for kids waiting to be placed for adoption here in our area. There are so many, and their stories are heart-wrenching. We have talked about being foster parents, but I honestly don’t think I could handle the short-term relationships with these children. And I don’t know that I would want to put my kids through that, either. But finding a child that would fit perfectly with our family, and needing love as much as we are wanting to give it… that would be wonderful. There’s one child in particular that I have been checking into on the site a lot. We’ll call him Jake. Something about his face, his story, I am literally drawn to this boy. I can’t explain what it is, but there’s just something about him that is causing me to keep thinking about him.

It’s never really been a strong feeling, persay– but one that’s been tugging at me for a while now. We have two couples we are friends with that are also in different stages of the adoption process. One couple is in the process of PAPERWORK, PAPERWORK, and more PAPERWORK as they are trying to adopt a baby girl from another country. Another couple is just in the beginning phases of realizing that adoption is their only way of having a child.

But we’re different, I say! We have kids, and we swore we were done! Hubby’s even had the surgery to clinch the deal, so to speak. Might I say, I was quite the “Fertile Myrtle” during my 20s. I had the ability to get pregnant not once, but TWICE– while on birth control pills. And I’ve said many times before, I don’t get all mushy over babies anymore. I LOVE the fact that my kids are older now, so why do I want to bring another child into my home?

Over the last few days, I’ve talked about things happening in my life that have been steering me towards wanting to help kids (click here and here). I feel like I am being pulled in that direction constantly now, but just haven’t been totally sure what exactly God is wanting me to do. Over the last week or two, I have seen an Oprah episode about a group of friends feeling compelled to do this very same thing, but they actually adopted teenage boys from another country. But every single one of them claimed to have just felt that feeling, or that God put it in their heart to do this. I have heard two sermons in church now about this, with the latest one being just yesterday.

Yes, yesterday… yesterday was a “kids service” at church. Peppier music, lots of fun, and the sermon… it was our children’s pastor this time. He talked about seeing things “through the eyes of a child.” He asked us to look around throughout our lives, and watch for the kids that are in need of something– “the lost” as they put it. My chest felt heavy while he was talking, and all I could think about was JAKE. I kept picturing him in my head, and re-hashing the specifics of his bio. (I’ve almost got it memorized I’ve looked at it so many times)

I immediately went home from church, and pulled up the website again, and he’s still there–just like he has been since the first day we checked it out.

Maybe I’m crazy, but I feel like this is something we need to do. We’ve been talking about it a lot, and I know that right now is not the right time for us, considering we are preparing to move, building a house, and are just basically in the middle of a whole lotta shit right now. But this feeling is not going away. I am a firm believer that people and things are put in our path for a purpose– even those people and things that we can’t stand. God has put them there for a reason, and its usually to teach us something.

So over the last few weeks, what is God trying to tell me? I know that God doesn’t always give us directions all at once– sometimes its just one step at a time. So what am I supposed to do? I know I’m rambling here, but I guess I’m just trying to get this off my chest, to see if I can figure it out on my own. Am I really ready to be a mother to another child? Do I have the patience to deal with the emotional stress the child would go through, as well as the emotional stress of my own children? Would they accept each other as family?

I know with all my heart that my husband is a great and wonderful father. He’s strict, but he’s got so much love in his heart. He has a wonderful work ethic, and a very compassionate heart. He would give the shirt off his back for a complete stranger, and is really just the most giving person I know. He’s hard-headed and stubborn as all get out, but has the biggest heart of anyone I know.

And my kids? They are such loving creatures, and truly have hearts of gold. I really know they would accept a new sibling into this family, and the bonds created would last forever.

So, that just leaves me. The disorganized, crabby, mood-swinging mommy. I often question my parenting skills, and wonder if I would be a good mom to someone I didn’t actually give birth to. And an older child? I worry that since I’ve missed out on the most important bonding years, that we wouldn’t truly bond as mother and child. OK, I’ll admit, I’m just worried that the child won’t LIKE ME. I’m not always the easiest person to get along with!

Blah… I’ll end this for now.

Am I crazy?

Where the path leads – Part 2

If you are reading this through a Feed Reader, I apologize! I am currently in the process of moving old posts over to this new blog. Bear with me!

We went back to youth group last night. We could have taken the kids to church, and gone out for a nice quiet Valentines dinner, but something kept telling me I needed to go to church and try the youth service out again.

After a lot of singing and some awesome Christian rock music, a couple people got up and spoke about various things, and then it happened.

The THIRD sign.

The youth pastor’s wife (in her early 20s) got up and said she was going to tell a story that was very difficult for her, something she had never shared before in front of a group. She started out by reading this Scripture:

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans
to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” (Jeremiah 29:11-14)

She then went on to tell us about the difficult childhood she had. Her father left when she was a little girl, and she was devastated. She told of the night she got home from church, her father handed her some cookies, and told her he was leaving and wasn’t coming back. There wasn’t a dry eye in the room. She went on to tell how she thought she was being such a “good Christian” while she was at church, yet when she was home– she was mean and disrespectful to her mother and her siblings. She wasn’t seeking God with her whole heart, so she wasn’t finding any answers to her problems.

She told of how when she met the man who is now her husband, she was embarrassed to bring him home to her family. She was ashamed that the man she was marrying– who was going to be a PASTOR – was going to meet her very un-Christian dysfunctional family. The part that really got to me the most was when she said how much it breaks her heart that there probably were several teenagers in the room last night that live in the same type of situation. Parents who are split up, siblings who are drug addicts, and no role model to follow. But without seeking Him with our whole heart, these kids were not going to find the way out. How true.

Towards the end of the service, the pastor stood up and asked all of us adults to step forward in front of the stage. Then he asked the kids if there was anyone in the room that was feeling like they are in a similar situation, and they need help to “seek God with their whole heart.” He said if they raised their hand, one of us adults would come talk to them, pray for them, and listen.

I was amazed at how many kids raised their hand. There were lots of people in the room crying, boys and girls. Shocking to see how many kids live such dysfunctional lives, and how many of them wanted help, wanted someone to listen to them, wanted a shoulder to cry on.

I saw a girl raise her hand last night. We’ll call her Annie. She couldn’t have been more than maybe 13 or 14, but she looked so sad. She looked defeated. I went over to her, introduced myself, and she just collapsed into my arms, sobbing. I started to just hold her, rubbing her shoulders, trying to give her soothing words, and saying any prayer-like words I could think of. Of course I immediately started crying, too. My heart just broke knowing that whatever it was she was going through, she felt bad enough to break down in tears in front of all her friends and everyone else in the room. And I felt like I was failing her because I am no good at praying out loud, and I literally froze up and couldn’t think of what to say. I am not familiar with the Bible all that much, besides knowing the basics, and I am not comfortable praying out loud, because I’m afraid I will sound stupid.

I never realized just what kids are going through at this age. Its been a long time since I was a teenager, and I had such a good family life. My parents are still married, and there was never any drug or alcohol issues, and never any abuse of any kind. If anything, I was rebellious because my life was “too” perfect.

I’ve seen enough signs now to realize that this might be something I need to get involved in. It’s a good opportunity for me to learn to be a better person right along with these kids, and also to learn more about the Bible just as these kids are doing.

Not sure where this path leads – Part 1

If you are reading this through a Feed Reader, I apologize! I am currently in the process of moving old posts over to this new blog. Bear with me!

Last Wednesday night, hubby and I were asked to help out driving the church van for the youth group. We had to pick up about 13 kids and take them to the church, and then drive them all home when Youth Group was over with.

We decided to go ahead and stay through the youth service, since our kids were in their own kids service, and we had nothing else to do. So we stayed. Hubby used to be a youth sponsor in there with several other adults while he was off work with his injury. Once he went back to work, he just never had time for it anymore. I was in my own small group on Wednesday nights, and didn’t think I was probably cut out for hanging out with a bunch of 6th-12th graders.

Over the last couple months, we knew the church was in need of youth sponsors again. It’s a ministry that is in constant need of fresh faces— handling up to 100 teenagers at a time can wear on a person’s nerves week after week. We had talked about maybe getting back into it, and maybe them asking us to drive the van last week was the sign we were supposed to get?

Of course, the van ride was Ca-RAZY! Seriously, giggling girls, cool boys, iPods, and cell phones with ringtones probably not appropriate for church. We just kept looking at each other wondering what we had gotten ourselves into. After we got to the church and the kids all piled out of the van, we said to each other “Are you ready for this?” and we headed in. I made a mental note to myself that I was going to keep an open mind with these kids, and watch for a sign that this was something I was meant to do.

The pastor that spoke that night was a guest from another church– young 20s, very good-looking, and dressed totally like a teenager. He had their full attention because he was funny and he just “fit in.” I liked him immediately. He was “cool” in my book!

The first thing that raised my awareness was the Scripture he quoted. Of course, I can’t for the life of me remember the chapter or verse, but it referred to “Teach me, O Lord, to number my days…” If anyone happens to know this Scripture, please let me know where to find it!

What does all this mean? He explained it meant that we should NUMBER OUR DAYS – live each day for today, and not worry about tomorrow. We should stop and think every single day – What difference am I making in the world today? Granted it was geared more towards getting the youth to help out and be positive role models in their communities, but I felt like he was speaking to ME.

I left that night feeling pretty inspired, but just one measly sign wasn’t good enough for me, right?

Fast forward to this past Friday night. I got a phone call from the church asking me to help out with Worship Team (singing) at their Friday night service. I wasn’t all that excited about spending my Friday night at church, but I knew they always had problems finding people to help on Fridays, so I agreed.

What was the sermon about that night?

Making a difference in the lives of our youth.

I about fell out of my chair. Our youth pastor (different than the one that spoke on Wednesday night) spoke of how the youth today are known as the

• Blank Generation
• doofus generation
• the “generation that won’t accomplish anything of historical greatness.”
• Nowhere Generation

I listened carefully as the pastor asked all of us adults in the room to ask ourselves – “What kind of role model are you for today’s youth?” Do we argue, cuss people out, bitch about our co-workers. And what kind of example does that set for our youth today? I listened as all of those bullet points soared through the air and landed directly on ME.

Of course, I guess I needed just one more sign.

See the next post for the rest of this story…

Whatever

If you are reading this through a Feed Reader, I apologize! I am currently in the process of moving old posts over to this new blog. Bear with me!

Who would have thought that one little word could speak volumes yesterday.

Whatever.

It’s a word I have used probably a million times in my life. A simple word I have uttered so many times in response to countless situations.

Husband’s got me pissed off and I just want the argument to end? “WHATEVER.”

Which restaurant do you want to eat at tonight? “WHATEVER.”

The pastor we had as a guest yesterday was quite the presence. Big guy, tall, former football player, and he was an excellent speaker. He stood up on the stage, looming over us, and said he had a quite complicated prayer for us to learn and use daily, whenever we feel like things are not going the way we thought they would, or whenever we need to stop and ponder which direction our life should be going.

Are you ready for the complicated prayer? It’s one any of us can easily memorize.

Stand up.
Put your hands out in front of you, palms up.
Look up to heaven, and say this:

Whatever.

Easy, huh?

Whatever, God. Whatever you want to do with me, I leave my life in Your hands. Whatever direction You will my life to go in, whatever worries I have in my life, whatever stress I have going on. Whatever it is, whatever you decide, I stand by You.

Hubby and I just listened to that, looked at each other, and that was all that was needed. We have had so many things worrying us over the last year and a half, so many things stressing me the hell out, and just so many unknowns. But I have to just keep remembering that its all in due time, and whatever He wants for us, will happen. It won’t do me any good to waste my time obsessing over things that I cannot control.

So, whatever.