Back to That

When we were cleaning out our basement a couple weeks ago, I found several tubs full of things we hadn’t even touched since we moved out of Des Moines. As we went through everything, I filled up a new tub with things that needed to be brough upstairs to our office for me to go through and save or file.

The other day, I decided I’d better get started on cleaning out that tub I hauled all the way upstairs. There were some extra pens, notepads, and a few much more important things. There were two Bibles (one is my husband’s, and one is my old one) and my prayer journals.

The prayer journal I hadn’t written a word in for the last three years.

When we started attending church faithfully (meaning every Sunday no matter what), I got involved in a small group. Each week we would go around the room at the end of our small group time, and discuss any prayer requests we had. Then we would all make an effort to pray for each other throughout the week. Two of the people I became good friends with from that small group were Jeni and Shelby. In this prayer journal, I wrote down prayer requests for both of them, as well as all the other people in my group. Every morning, for several months, I got up an hour early and wrote in this journal. Mark and the kids would still be sleeping, and it would be my quiet time to reflect on everything going on in my life. I would write and write pages full of thought and prayers in this journal.

Sometimes I would write down certain Scriptures our Pastor mentioned in church or a relevant saying from my fortune cookie at dinner one night. I would see billboards and TV commercials, and if they said something that mattered to me, I wrote them down. I wrote down prayers about us trying to get out of debt, I wrote prayers about my husband’s job and my kids staying healthy and strong.

Now I want more than anything to get back to that. I feel like without a church, and without a group of women like the one I had at my old church, I don’t know where to begin. I want to get back to the person I was four years ago when I started this prayer journal. It was the closest I have ever felt to God in my entire life. It sounds weird to say that, but its true. I can read through the pages and pages of that journal, and remember every single thing I was praying for. I can take a red pen and check off all the things that I asked for and prayed for that really did happen. It’s amazing how many prayers of mine were answered.
I can read through the prayer requests of those women in my group (as well as my own) and remember every single conversation we had on those Wednesday nights years ago. My fingers drift over the pages where I wrote about one group member losing her father to cancer, or someone wanting prayers sent up about a doctor’s appointment they were nervous about. I read prayers I wrote for a group member that was having a difficult pregnancy, and some for a friend that was struggling to find a school for her special needs child.

Some of us asked for prayers about finding a new job, or that we would find a way to be less stressed in our lives. All of us issues in our lives that were very heavy on our hearts, but with that small group– the burden would be lifted, if only for a couple hours each week. I looked forward to that Wednesday night small group so much, and even now– almost four years later– I think about the friendships we all shared. The gossip we shared, the laughter and tears we shared.

Now I miss it. And I want to get back to that.

The Fine Line Between ‘Enough’ and ‘Too Much’

Some people collect things. I, for example, can never pass up a good book, purse, or pair of shoes. My husband will attest to that. Others collect spoons from various locations around the world, or some people are entranced by the Franklin Mint commercials on TV and continually expand their collection of Elvis plates. My grandmother collects angels, my daughter collects all thing Iowa Hawkeye-related. My husband has a fondness for fishing lures, while my co-worker collects Boyds Bears.

But the Duggar family? You know– Jim Bob and Michelle? They seem to have this thing about collecting CHILDREN. Eighteen of them so far, to be exact. Now today, I find out the nineteenth is on the way. Much to their surprise. Nineteen kids. Two parents. Yikes.

I had my oldest daughter when I was 23 years old. I was single, and I was on the pill. Needless to say, she was a surprise. I consider her to be one of the best things to ever happen to me, but still– not planned. A few years later, I married the man of my dreams, and with him– came his two children. Again, two stepchildren were not what I had planned for myself– but they were a welcomed addition to our family. When my husband and I decided to get married, we began planning a wedding. A few weeks into the planning process, I became pregnant. WHILE ON THE PILL. Another surprise, and another great-best-thing-ever in my life.

This leaves us with four children. Husband had the ol’ “snip-snip” surgery done after our youngest was born in 2000, and we have both been completely content with our decision to not have any more children. We knew this was the right number for us.

BUT… while I know that we will never have another biological child, I can’t say that the idea of adoption hasn’t crossed our mind a few several times over the last few years. But for us, that fine line between “enough” and “too much” is already here. We’ve reached it.

Apparently, the Duggars have drawn a different line. Or actually, they haven’t drawn one at all.

I didn’t know a lot about this family, other than bits and pieces of what I hear on the news. I did find out that they first got married, they used birth control. They played it smart– they knew that could not afford children at the time, and so they planned accordingly. Once they decided they were indeed ready for children, Michelle quit taking the pill, got pregnant and they had their first child. Again, she went back on the pill. Somehow, she got pregnant for the second time, and subsequently suffered a miscarriage. Michelle and Jim Bob determined that God was punishing them for using birth control (because it was their “choice” to not get pregnant) so they prayed about their situation.

“They prayed and asked God to forgive them, and to teach them to love children like He loves children. They asked God to bless them with as many children as He saw fit in His timing.”

Since then, Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar have gone on to have a total of EIGHTEEN CHILDREN, with a nineteenth now on the way. Jim Bob and Michelle decided to not use birth control completely, and rely on God to make the decision as to how many children they will have?

At first glance, I sit and think who would be CRAZY enough to have that many children? How do they afford them? How do they care for them? How do they give each special, individual attention? Physically, how does Michelle’s body tolerate the constant state of pregnancy? How does her vagina not go on strike, or at least call its union to file a grievance about excessive overtime?

I have read several articles and blog posts authored by people with these same opinions and questions, and I just don’t know what the right answer is. Maybe there isn’t one. So, I stop and take all of this in. Who are WE to determine when ‘enough is enough’ for this family? What is the magic number of children to have before you say STOP! NO MORE! Is this really God’s will? I suppose if the Duggar’s believe that to be true, then it is true.

I am completely torn on this issue, though. They claim to have stopped using birth control, relying 100% on GOD to decide how many children they will have. I can *almost* respect their way of thinking on this– but isn’t that like pointing a loaded gun at someones head and saying “When I pull the trigger, God will decide if the bullet hits you or not”? Or like chaining yourself to the train tracks saying “God will decide if a train comes along and hits me”?

Because they are adults doing this, we should let them make their own decisions, right?

What if it was a teenager, having sex with someone she claims to love? What if she decided to not use birth control because she was letting God decide if she would have children? Would the answer to “just let them be” still be correct?

What if it was a single mother?

What if it was a family on welfare?

What if it was your sister, your daughter, your friend?

Where do you stand on this issue? I’d like to know I am not crazy in questioning this family’s beliefs.

FAITH

Over this past week, I have been rearranging two rooms in my house, switching a spare bedroom with my basement office. While moving things, I had the opportunity to go through some old books and also notice how many Bibles we have in our home. While dusting off my rarely-used Bible, a piece of paper fell out. It was a page of sermon notes I took at church almost 3 years ago. Surprisingly, it was still in my Bible, even though I had been to church several times since then, and had gone through dozens of sermon notes since then also. So how did this one piece of paper manage to stick around for so long?

The sermon that day was about FAITH, and I can almost remember it exactly.

FAITH is knowing God is who He says He is.I don’t have to see God or have tangible proof that he exists. FAITH is knowing or believing he exists without questioning.

God doesn’t use MAPQUEST. Sometimes he gives directions one step at a time.If you go to Mapquest you can type in an address anywhere in the U.S., and it will give you a map and step-by-step directions on how to get there… every turn, how many miles, and even how long it will take to get there.

God doesn’t work that way. Sometimes he will give you one direction, testing you to see if you will do it, but FAITH is knowing He will keep giving you directions to get to where you should be going. I can think of so many instances in my life where this has been proven true. We have taken a leap of faith on many occasions, and do what we believe God wants us to do, and then we stand there thinking “What next? We did the right thing, and now what’s going to happen?” Faith is knowing there will be more direction to come, and faith is being patient enough to wait for that next direction.

FAITH knows the facts, but believes anyway.Your job sucks, your marriage is in turmoil, your kids are having problems. Those are examples of FACTS. But, FAITH knows the facts about your problems, and still believes anyways. I can have some pretty crappy stuff happening in my life, but I can also decide to have FAITH that things will get better, without having anything to base that faith on.

God TESTS us to bring out the BEST in us. Satan TEMPTS us to bring out the WORST in us. Satan does nothing but tempt us. God tests us by telling us to do things as He wills, yet Satan is the one that TEMPTS us to ignore it.

End of sermon for today. Just some things for y’all to think about.

Change is in the Air

Last week, my 13-year old daughter went to a Christian camp with 8 of her best friends. Most of them had been going since they were very young, but this was Caitlyn’s first year.

When I filled out the registration forms for camp, it asked which church we attended. I was embarrassed and ashamed as I filled in the blank with the word “NONE.” That word seemed so dark, so cold, so meaningless.

I sat there and wondered what people would think when they saw that form, and I wondered how many other parents filled out the form with a feeling of guilt that their kids were closer to God than they were. I have always thought our lives were just fine without going to church anymore, because after all– nothing bad has been happening to us– what do we need church for? While we always enjoyed going to church, it became a chore every week as we tired of the Pastor (who has since left). We also moved farther away, making it more difficult to get to Sunday service each week.

The days while she was at camp last week were followed by random comments by the rest of us in the house:

“We really should find a church to go to again.”

“Someday we need to start going back to church.”

But we all knew it was just small talk. We had been away from church for a good two years, and other things occupied our time on the weekends. Church was not a priority to us.

When my daughter came back from camp last Friday, I could tell right away something had changed in her. She had stirred up something deep within herself, and I knew right then– at that very moment– our family was going to have to follow her direction. Her Facebook status went from random blurbs about what she was doing every day to this:

“feels way different now that I am back from camp. It all seems different, everyone….its amazing! God really got to me this past week, and now i have changed to make everyones lives better!”

After reading that and thinking about it these last few days, this whole church thing has really been weighing heavy on my heart. I know we need to find a church, one that is much closer than our old church. While we loved that church, it was too far of a drive, and we couldn’t commit to participating in all of the activities that we needed to be in to get the full experience.

In addition to her Facebook status changing, I noticed her switching the radio station in the car to 107.1 instead of 107.5. She has traded the Top 40 music for the Christian station. When we had a couple hours to kill Sunday afternoon while my youngest was at a birthday party, she asked to go to the Christian bookstore instead of the mall. I noticed her sitting on the couch in the living room reading the Bible later that day, and making notes in the margins next to passages she really liked.

This morning when I got to work, I turned on the radio. While it is normally tuned in to FM 92.5 (country station), I noticed a funny thing. Today, when all of this church business has been on my mind, the radio is on a different station. Whether I bumped it yesterday when I shut it off, or if the cleaning lady bumped it, who knows? I know that the old radio has been here for years, and it has such poor reception that very few stations come in static-free.

But this morning, a Christian radio station (K-LOVE 90.5) comes in LOUD and CLEAR.

Things are changing, and it took the teenager of the house to lead the way.

Now THIS is GOOD

* I’m still on VACATION! This post reprinted from 6/1/07. *

Last Sunday at church, our Pastor was recognizing all of the kids that were graduating from high school, and I realized how fast these kids grow up. We spend all of this time getting them ready for the world, and once they are ready to venture out into that world, we don’t want to let them go. Part of the sermon that our Pastor gave to the graduates was about putting “good” back into your life. Making sure that everything you do, you do because it is GOOD, and hence makes you feel good. It’s not about fame, its not about money, it’s about having the kind of life that makes you look at your life and say “Now THIS is GOOD.”

---

My oldest daughter graduates from elementary school today. Where has the time gone?

I remember bawling like a baby on her first day of kindergarten… Oh how tiny she seemed in her pretty new dress, and shiny new backpack on her back. This big grin on her face, showing me and everyone else she was ready to take on the world– or at least the world of her tiny kindergarten classroom. Thankfully, I managed to make it all the way out to the car before opening the floodgates and letting the tears flow. I was so happy for her, yet so sad to see a certain phase in her life–and mine– coming to an end.

So today marks another milestone in this precious little girl’s life. She’s growing up so fast, right before my eyes. As much as I want to rejoice as she becomes this amazing young woman, part of me wants to stop time, and keep her just the way she is. She’s receiving many awards today, and has even been selected to give a speech about her experiences in elementary school. I’m so darn proud of her, I could just bust.

She’s 11, not yet a teenager, and we’re just venturing into the phase of “pre-teen.” She hasn’t gotten the mouthy attitude yet, she hasn’t started to pull away from me yet– choosing her friends over me. I know in my heart that day is coming, but I haven’t wanted to admit it. She still has a heart of gold, and is probably the most compassionate person I know. She has always been one to stick up for a friend in need, and truly is a good person.

She still wants me to tuck her in at night, and she still plants a kiss on my cheek before going to sleep. This wonderful little girl of mine tells me she loves me every day, and still likes to hold my hand when we’re out shopping. I’m sad that this phase will soon be ending as well. Kindergarten seems like such a long time ago, and soon– so will today.

As I sit and think about how sad today will be for me, I also realize that I can watch my beautiful little girl up there, giving her speech, and think to myself: