Change is in the Air

Last week, my 13-year old daughter went to a Christian camp with 8 of her best friends. Most of them had been going since they were very young, but this was Caitlyn’s first year.

When I filled out the registration forms for camp, it asked which church we attended. I was embarrassed and ashamed as I filled in the blank with the word “NONE.” That word seemed so dark, so cold, so meaningless.

I sat there and wondered what people would think when they saw that form, and I wondered how many other parents filled out the form with a feeling of guilt that their kids were closer to God than they were. I have always thought our lives were just fine without going to church anymore, because after all– nothing bad has been happening to us– what do we need church for? While we always enjoyed going to church, it became a chore every week as we tired of the Pastor (who has since left). We also moved farther away, making it more difficult to get to Sunday service each week.

The days while she was at camp last week were followed by random comments by the rest of us in the house:

“We really should find a church to go to again.”

“Someday we need to start going back to church.”

But we all knew it was just small talk. We had been away from church for a good two years, and other things occupied our time on the weekends. Church was not a priority to us.

When my daughter came back from camp last Friday, I could tell right away something had changed in her. She had stirred up something deep within herself, and I knew right then– at that very moment– our family was going to have to follow her direction. Her Facebook status went from random blurbs about what she was doing every day to this:

“feels way different now that I am back from camp. It all seems different, everyone….its amazing! God really got to me this past week, and now i have changed to make everyones lives better!”

After reading that and thinking about it these last few days, this whole church thing has really been weighing heavy on my heart. I know we need to find a church, one that is much closer than our old church. While we loved that church, it was too far of a drive, and we couldn’t commit to participating in all of the activities that we needed to be in to get the full experience.

In addition to her Facebook status changing, I noticed her switching the radio station in the car to 107.1 instead of 107.5. She has traded the Top 40 music for the Christian station. When we had a couple hours to kill Sunday afternoon while my youngest was at a birthday party, she asked to go to the Christian bookstore instead of the mall. I noticed her sitting on the couch in the living room reading the Bible later that day, and making notes in the margins next to passages she really liked.

This morning when I got to work, I turned on the radio. While it is normally tuned in to FM 92.5 (country station), I noticed a funny thing. Today, when all of this church business has been on my mind, the radio is on a different station. Whether I bumped it yesterday when I shut it off, or if the cleaning lady bumped it, who knows? I know that the old radio has been here for years, and it has such poor reception that very few stations come in static-free.

But this morning, a Christian radio station (K-LOVE 90.5) comes in LOUD and CLEAR.

Things are changing, and it took the teenager of the house to lead the way.

It’s a thought, a nudge, a sign, a push, it’s something…

If you are reading this through a Feed Reader, I apologize! I am currently in the process of moving old posts over to this new blog. Bear with me!

Whether you believe in God or not, do you think that all people at one time or another have “feelings” about something that they are being called to do? It’s not just Christians that experience this, I’m sure. I’m not talking premonitions, but something more than just a “gut feeling” compelling you to take action?

Do you ever see an event happening, and you feel something tugging at your insides telling you to do or say something?

A few years ago, hubby and I were having a conversation, and somehow it turned to the fact that we weren’t going to have any more kids. Then out of nowhere, a comment was made by one of us mentioning that the only way we’d consider having another child would be to adopt a child– no babies or toddlers, but a school-aged child. We never really seriously discussed it, but it was a conversation that put something on a back burner in my brain, and its been there ever since.

Over the last few years, I have thought about it every so often, and occasionally I have checked out the website for kids waiting to be placed for adoption here in our area. There are so many, and their stories are heart-wrenching. We have talked about being foster parents, but I honestly don’t think I could handle the short-term relationships with these children. And I don’t know that I would want to put my kids through that, either. But finding a child that would fit perfectly with our family, and needing love as much as we are wanting to give it… that would be wonderful. There’s one child in particular that I have been checking into on the site a lot. We’ll call him Jake. Something about his face, his story, I am literally drawn to this boy. I can’t explain what it is, but there’s just something about him that is causing me to keep thinking about him.

It’s never really been a strong feeling, persay– but one that’s been tugging at me for a while now. We have two couples we are friends with that are also in different stages of the adoption process. One couple is in the process of PAPERWORK, PAPERWORK, and more PAPERWORK as they are trying to adopt a baby girl from another country. Another couple is just in the beginning phases of realizing that adoption is their only way of having a child.

But we’re different, I say! We have kids, and we swore we were done! Hubby’s even had the surgery to clinch the deal, so to speak. Might I say, I was quite the “Fertile Myrtle” during my 20s. I had the ability to get pregnant not once, but TWICE– while on birth control pills. And I’ve said many times before, I don’t get all mushy over babies anymore. I LOVE the fact that my kids are older now, so why do I want to bring another child into my home?

Over the last few days, I’ve talked about things happening in my life that have been steering me towards wanting to help kids (click here and here). I feel like I am being pulled in that direction constantly now, but just haven’t been totally sure what exactly God is wanting me to do. Over the last week or two, I have seen an Oprah episode about a group of friends feeling compelled to do this very same thing, but they actually adopted teenage boys from another country. But every single one of them claimed to have just felt that feeling, or that God put it in their heart to do this. I have heard two sermons in church now about this, with the latest one being just yesterday.

Yes, yesterday… yesterday was a “kids service” at church. Peppier music, lots of fun, and the sermon… it was our children’s pastor this time. He talked about seeing things “through the eyes of a child.” He asked us to look around throughout our lives, and watch for the kids that are in need of something– “the lost” as they put it. My chest felt heavy while he was talking, and all I could think about was JAKE. I kept picturing him in my head, and re-hashing the specifics of his bio. (I’ve almost got it memorized I’ve looked at it so many times)

I immediately went home from church, and pulled up the website again, and he’s still there–just like he has been since the first day we checked it out.

Maybe I’m crazy, but I feel like this is something we need to do. We’ve been talking about it a lot, and I know that right now is not the right time for us, considering we are preparing to move, building a house, and are just basically in the middle of a whole lotta shit right now. But this feeling is not going away. I am a firm believer that people and things are put in our path for a purpose– even those people and things that we can’t stand. God has put them there for a reason, and its usually to teach us something.

So over the last few weeks, what is God trying to tell me? I know that God doesn’t always give us directions all at once– sometimes its just one step at a time. So what am I supposed to do? I know I’m rambling here, but I guess I’m just trying to get this off my chest, to see if I can figure it out on my own. Am I really ready to be a mother to another child? Do I have the patience to deal with the emotional stress the child would go through, as well as the emotional stress of my own children? Would they accept each other as family?

I know with all my heart that my husband is a great and wonderful father. He’s strict, but he’s got so much love in his heart. He has a wonderful work ethic, and a very compassionate heart. He would give the shirt off his back for a complete stranger, and is really just the most giving person I know. He’s hard-headed and stubborn as all get out, but has the biggest heart of anyone I know.

And my kids? They are such loving creatures, and truly have hearts of gold. I really know they would accept a new sibling into this family, and the bonds created would last forever.

So, that just leaves me. The disorganized, crabby, mood-swinging mommy. I often question my parenting skills, and wonder if I would be a good mom to someone I didn’t actually give birth to. And an older child? I worry that since I’ve missed out on the most important bonding years, that we wouldn’t truly bond as mother and child. OK, I’ll admit, I’m just worried that the child won’t LIKE ME. I’m not always the easiest person to get along with!

Blah… I’ll end this for now.

Am I crazy?