Snooty-Tooty Dance Moms, and my Fancy Pants Daughter

You know, when I was growing up, my mom never put me in dance class. We were just never into the whole foo-foo dance costumes, and the makeup and the huge hair. Not to mention that I was anything BUT graceful as a child. Tall and gangly my whole life…

So you can see why I was never all that thrilled to have daughters that would someday be interested in taking dance class. Both girls signed up for it 2 school years ago, and I couldn’t hardly wait until the end of the year! Caitlyn fizzled out before the year was done, but I still made her do the recital, because I spent so much freakin’ money on the THREE pairs of shoes, and THREE costumes.

Both girls took the next year off from dance, and then this last fall, Courtney decided she really wanted to sign up for it again. As much as I would like to be able to have both girls involved in the same activities, I know they have different personalities, as Courtney is so much more my “girlie-girl” and Caitlyn is ALL ATHLETE. I had forgotten how much I hated going to sit at the studio during the girls’ classes, because I couldn’t believe how snooty all the moms were, and how everyone thought that THEIR daughter was THE “Princess of the world” or something… Um yeah, you fat-ass snob of a woman, your little girl standing over there in her leotard with her underwear sticking out while she’s picking her boogers and eating them is just ANGELIC… GORGEOUS… The prima ballerina! GAG.

The main topic of conversation of the moms waiting during class always centered around who had the latest copy of Dance magazine, and who bought what ponytail holder… I’m guessing it’s some primal need for domination — seeing who can have the most dance crap, and who can boast of spending the most money on said dance crap. Some moms have even paid to get their kids’ hair done — EXTENSIONS AND ALL – just for the recital! ! !

As the school year progresses and recital time nears, the topics turn to what color of hoe-bag lipstick your child will wear to recital, and how much body glitter you will cake on their little bodies and in their hair to show them off on a stage where you will sit 100 feet away from them, and not see the freakin’ stuff anyways (the recitals are held at the CIVIC CENTER, for Gods sake… !!!)

I swear the whole entire place is a shrine to JonBenet Ramsey, these kids just have THAT much makeup and glitter on. I went to the very first dance class of the year, and then after that, I dropped Courtney off every Monday at 5:30, and picked her up promptly at 6:45… I physically couldn’t stand to sit there and be amongst such snobby women… ICKY!

On a side note, I also really don’t need to see a 300-pound mom telling everyone about how SHE was in dance class as a girl…

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww! I’ll save that post for another day…

The real kicker is the mom Mark saw one night when I sent him to pick up Courtney.. this “shit-don’t-stink” mom normally toodles on in the studio with Daisy Duke shorts that have her ass hanging out, and a super tight tank top or something equally slutty, and this particular day was no different. She saunters in with a tight t-shirt that simply said

“They’re REAL, and they’re FABULOUS.”

Totally GROSS. You know, its one thing for a teenager or young 20-something to wear that, but COME ON— the mother of a 5 year old???? Give me a break!

( Note to self: OK… now I’m beginning to see why Mark volunteered to wade through the tizzy of snob-moms to pick Courtney up a little more often, without even complaining! LOL)

So anyhoo, these moms prance in the door, with their little angels prancing in right behind them… (Yes, they really do prance… I swear!) and the moms take off their “Dance Mom” jacket, to reveal a “Dance Mom” t-shirt, then turn around to sport the “Dance Mom” BUTT SHORTS to match…

OH MY GOD, are YOU F’ ING KIDDING ME?????????

Then the daughter has her little bag with “Dance” written all over it, and her cute little hair pulled up…and most of these girls come to dance class with makeup on… no joke! Whoever invented the freakin’ “BE-DAZZLER” could make a fortune off these people!
Then there’s my wonderful child whom I’ve fondly nicknamed “Fancy Pants”… hair unbrushed, because she’s currently going through a phase of not wanting a brush within 50 yards of her little head… God help the poor soul that tries to corrall that hair into a barrette, clip, or scrunchie… you will lose that battle quickly!

So Miss Courtney (a.k.a. Fancy Pants) trots in there, skinned up knees, hair like Medusa, and fruit punch spilled on the front of her leotard… and all the kid wants to do is DANCE, baby! And in my opinion, she’s the prettiest darn thing up on that stage. You go, Fancy pants, you go!
This week happens to be RECITAL WEEK. If you’ve never had a child in dance classes before at a huge CONGLOMERATE like this place is… “Recital Week” is basically a week jam-packed with REHEARSALS AND REHEARSALS AND REHEARSALS (Did I mention they have rehearsals? lol)

Courtney had dress rehearsal last night for “Act 1″ of the recital… she has two routines in that half, so she had to be down there in her first costume at 5:00pm. Mark took her so I could go to closing ceremonies for softball (maybe he was hoping to see Miss “Real and Fabulous”, who knows).

When I got to the Civic Center it was 7:15, and they were only on Song #15… out of FORTY-THREE in the 1st act… And they started at 5:00… this just shows you how crazy this place is… making these dancers do their routines over and over and over while they adjust lighting, stage curtains, props, backdrops… the WORKS. ALL OF THIS FOR A BUNCH OF LITTLE KIDS!

What’s really hilarious is the huddle of moms standing by the room where the girls get ready, and change costumes, etc… I swear each of them carries a construction-worker-type belt, holding hair spray, glitter, eye shadow, lipstick and blush… the whole 2nd floor of the Civic Center is a haze of Mega-Hold hairspray. (I just tell Courtney to close her eyes and run down the hallway through the “Aqua Net cloud” so I wouldn’t have to bother bringing hairspray…LMAO)

So, it got to be about TEN O’CLOCK when Courtney FINALLY got on stage for her last dance, and we bee-lined it out of that place faster than ever… Poor Fancy Pants was there for 5 hours… and she has to do it again tonight, because she also has a dance in Act 2, which rehearses tonight. Then the “recital to top all other recitals” takes place Thursday and Friday night at 6pm, and I am fully expecting it to last until at least 10:00pm… no shit, there are SEVENTY-THREE songs in the whole production… GAWD!

Prayers needed… pray that I make it through the recital, and pray that I leave the Civic Center without succumbing to purchasing a way-too-expensive “Dance Mom” t-shirt that they will be selling before the show.