The other day, I noticed something a little odd. Something was a tad bit off.
It was the day I lost all ability to zip up my pants. I wore a pair of black dress pants to work, a pair I have worn a million times. I have been drinking lot of liquids in my quest to become skinny again, and so this results in many trips to the bathroom throughout the course of one work day.
I go in the bathroom, unzip, unbutton, undo the Spanx, pee, then zip it all back up. Repeat 5 times, and call it a day.
Somewhere in my quest to hurry up and tinkle, I forgot something.
You know, like zipping my pants up when I was done.
FIVE TIMES I went to the bathroom that day, and all five times I got back to my desk, feeling a wee draft in ye ol’ crotch area. Only to look down and see that once again, I forgot about the zipper.
FIVE TIMES. This has to be a major medical crisis, right? I should seek medical attention STAT, am I wrong?
Because I am just not that dilligent in my health care needs, nor do I feel like bothering my doctor when clearly this is not as important as other’s ailments, I decided to turn to the most trusted medical professional I know.
I immediately go to the Symptom Checker portion of their site, because y’all, I got a lot going on. I am sure there could be a litany of illnesses and ailments plaguing my body, and I’ll be darned if WebMD won’t help me get to the bottom of it.
Apparently, “forgetting to zip up one’s pants” is not a symptom.
So let’s go with a blanket symptom of “forgetfulness.”
Going through the list of symptoms was torture. Regardless of one’s problem, I could totally relate at least a dozen symptoms to something in my life.
‘Craving alcohol’? Why yes, I’ll have another.
‘Mood swings’? Hello Goddess of the Menstrual Cycle – its mood swing central up in these parts!
‘easily distracted’? Now this is one symptom I have not had a problem with, and actually…-Oohh, lookit the birdie!
Not only do I probably have Alzheimer’s but I could also probably have bipolar disorder or an addiction to crack cocaine.
I need to go lie down.
Deciding that WebMd was just too depressing, I moved on to the next resident expert residing in my computer.
Dr. Google. The best thing about Dr. Google? He will have numerous answers to my questions.
He’s the shizzle.
I asked Dr. Google, “What are the symptoms of Alzheimers?”
OH. MY. GOD.
alcoholic hepatitis?
altitude sickness?
I’m feeling faint.
So I present to you the warning signs of Alzheimer’s:
1. Asking the same question over and over again.
Oh my GOSH– I do this! My husband and kids are constantly saying to me “You already asked me that!” whenever I ask a question.
2. Repeating the same story, word for word, over and over again.
The other day, I noticed something a little odd. Something was a tad bit off… It was the day I lost all ability to zip up my pants. I wore a pair of black dress pants to work, a pair I have worn a million times. I have been drinking lot of liquids in my quest to become skinny again, and so this results in many trips to…WAIT, you’ve heard this before? Oh jeez.
3. Forgetting how to cook, or how to make repairs, or how to play cards — activities that were previously done with ease and regularity.
I have apparently forgotten how to clean. Although the “previously done with ease and regularity” might just negate this symptom altogether. Because there ain’t nothing easy or regular about cleaning my house.
4. Losing one’s ability to manage their finances.
Um, does the ability to let my wind wander in a bazillion directions count?
5. Getting lost in familiar surroundings, or misplacing household objects.
I have misplaced the toilet bowl brush, I’m sure. That might be the reason I am negligent about cleaning the bathroom. Save me, Alice!
6. Neglecting to bathe, or wearing the same clothes over and over again while insisting that they have taken a bath or that their clothes are still clean.
Does incontinence count? What’s that smell? Oh wait– it’s ME? (People, I am officially stooping to an all-time low to being on the funny today.)
7. Relying on someone else, such as a spouse, to make decisions or answer questions they previously would have handled themselves.
Of course I rely on my spouse to make decisions. He’s full of wisdom and advice.
All of this clearly boils down to Alzheimer’s. There is no other explanation for the hot mess I have turned into.
I am going to go pull the covers back over my head, and ponder the meaning of life. If you don’t hear from me for awhile, it’s probably because I’ve forgotten my Blogger password.
Or I’ve been arrested for indecent exposure for being out in public with my zipper down
