Class #8: Boundaries, Rules & Roles

All families have boundaries– those invisible lines that define who or what is inside the family and who or what is inside. In our 8th class (I still can’t believe we finished class #8), we talked about boundaries, family rules and roles. We also discussed family decision making and communication styles, and how all of these things are different in each family. Needless to say, there is an adjustment and some confusion that will take place as a new child maneuvers their way through all of these when entering our home for the first time.

We talked things as minor as a child knowing where the extra toilet paper is kept in your home or knowing which chair to sit at at the dinner table. Things we might never think twice about and take for granted, a child coming into your home can experience incredible anxiety over.

Our assignment for the week is to complete an Eco-Mapm which is basically a map showing our family in the middle and all of our commitments and obligations outside the circle. We then map out which commitments drain energy from us (arrows going out) and which commitments give energy back to us (arrows going back in). An example:

This is supposed help you to see if you really have enough time in your schedule to adopt or foster a child. Did you know that fostering a child will add another 5-7 obligations to your life? Everything from doctor visits, therapists, court visits, birth parent visitations, visits with the Guardian Ad Litem, etc, etc.

Then one of the instructors did a little visual presentation for us. She had a bag full of items to show us the things that a new child will come into your home with:

• Birth Family
• Habits (good & bad)
• Cell phones
• Trinkets
• Fears (realistic & unrealistic)
• social worker
• hopes & dreams
• culture
• Values

One of the first instincts many of us would have upon a child coming into our home with a garbage bag full of dirty clothes, smelly blankets, and even probably wearing dirty clothing is to have them change and then WASH EVERYTHING.

Did you know that this is the absolute WORST thing to do? I sure didn’t know that. Rather than washing everything, you should sit down and talk to the child and let them decide on any special items that mean a lot to them before you touch any of their stuff. That blanket that is stained and smells horrible? You know what it smells like to the child?

HOME.

That shirt with the inappropriate message on the front? That you would never in a million years let your child wear?

It might have been given to the child by his father, and he might still be able to smell his father on the shirt.

It was stressed over and over to us, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.

Two classes left, and I can hardly believe it. Our 2nd homestudy that was supposed to happen this past Friday didn’t happen (again). Our social worker was sick. It is now reschedule for Friday the 16th.

At our next class, we get to interview teenage foster kids that are part of a program to make the community more aware of the need for foster families. I am trying to think of some great questions to ask. Any suggestions?