Missed Opportunities

Let me start off by saying how much we are really enjoying our new church.  The people there are so friendly, and it feels like a great group of people to surround ourselves with every Sunday.

Which is why what happened Sunday morning just makes me want to kick myself.   

One of the goals I have set for myself is to make some friends in the area.    I figured a good way to do that would be through the church, as it is full of families our age.   

The problem is that I am terrible about approaching people.  I just can’t do it.   I I cannot start up a conversation with a complete stranger, and even when it comes time to “walk around and greet your neighbors” in church, I either sit down and fumble through my purse or stand there and wait for people to approach me.

I have the routine down perfectly.  I shake hands with my husband and my kids, and by that time, people sitting near us will put forth the effort to greet me.  No effort on my part, and it allows me to remain a wallflower.

I know I need to change that.

Sunday morning, it was just youngest daughter and myself.   Per her usual routine, she likes to act grownup and sit through church with a cup of coffee.  In her case, I make sure it is more sugar and creamer than actual coffee, but there’s something about that Styrofoam cup and lid that attracts her.

While we waited at the coffee station, there was a woman in front of us in with her daughter, who also seemed to be wanting a cup of coffee.  She turned around and smiled, and we joked for a minute or two about how we both had little girls that seemed to be coffee addicts, and how it must make us look like bad moms.

I went to my seat and sat down, and noticed that the mom glanced over at us a few times.  Still being fairly new to the church myself, I didn’t recognize her as someone we’d seen before, but that didn’t surprise me.

Then I noticed her walking over to where we were sitting.    She smiled and asked how old my daughter was, and we told her she is 9.   Coincidentally, this woman’s daughter is also nine.  I asked her if the daughter went to school here in town, and she said no.  They were from a town about 15 minutes away.   Both girls were 9, both are in 3rd grade, and both seemed to enjoy sitting in church with a cup of coffee.  

She introduced herself, and I introduced myself and my daughter. 

And that was it.

Why didn’t I take that opportunity to keep the conversation going?  Why didn’t I ask her if she was just visiting that morning?   Why didn’t I make more small talk?     We both wore the same coat (of course don’t all moms seem to wear the standard black North Face puffy coat?  Isn’t that a MOM THING?), the same jeans, and we seemed to be about the same age.  Why did I waste that opportunity to make a new friend?  The church had a women’s get-together last night at the local pizza place, and I could have asked if she was going.  

I just wish I could have a do-over and re-do that entire conversation, and I am hoping she is back at church again next Sunday. 

Will it look weird if I am camped out at the coffee station?

It drives me crazy…

…when I see someone holding a sign on TV with a Bible verse written on it.  For some reason, I always have to hurry and look it up to make sure I don’t miss something important.

Yesterday morning I was watching a DVR’d episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and noticed the contractor doing the work had a Bible verse written on his hard hat.  I tried to find a picture of it, but this was the best I could do:

I was in a hurry, trying to get ready for work and NOT be late.  I had no time to stop and look in the Bible to see what was so important that this contractor had to emblazon his hard hat with such a thing.

Of course, when I got to work, I promptly forgot about it.

Until today. 

I looked up the verse that was so boldly displayed on this man’s hat.  The stickers he placed on it spelled out MT 25:37-40

 ³⁷“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

 ⁴⁰“The King will reply, ‘I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.’ 

Matthew 25:37-40

Excellent.

Whew. Glad I got that out of the way, because it was driving me NUTS.

Tammy

It all started with a Casting Crowns song. 

My daughter and I were sitting in the truck the other night, waiting for my youngest daughter to get done with gymnastics.  We were talking about wanting to see Casting Crowns in concert, because we both LOVE their music.   I plugged my iPod in and we started listening to the song “Does Anybody Hear Her?”  I told my daughter that this was one of my favorite songs because the lyrics really stir something up inside of me.

We sat and listened to it and it reminded me of this post I had read earlier in the day over at Heart Cries. I told my daughter the story that had unfolded in that blog post, and she was amazed at what happened in that church. We made some small talk about it, and the conversation ended.

Fast forward to last night.

I picked my kids up last night… youngest from AWANA, and oldest from church youth group. Oldest daughter was visibly upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she kept replying “nothing. I’m fine.”

When we got home and started walking into the house, I simply told her “You can always talk to me. If you need me for anything, just let me know.”

Her response? “If you keep talking to me, you’re just going to make me cry.”

Um, WHAT? Anyone that knows me in real life, will know that I don’t let things like this go. I’m the mom that is persistent, naggy and all up in your grill when I sense something is wrong.

I went down to her room and saw her sitting on her bed, working on homework. I could tell she was crying, and so I walked over to sit next to her. Again, I asked what was wrong, and she replied “I don’t know how to tell you.”

Again… um, WHAT?

After lots of back and forth dialogue of “What’s wrong?” and her replying “Nothing” over and over, I finally got it out of her.

She told me that at youth group, they played that same Casting Crowns song we had been listening to just a couple nights before. She said it made her think of the story I had told her. She said she immediately thought of a girl at school, whom we’ll call Tammy. Tammy is in the 8th grade like my daughter. Tammy comes from a very poor family, doesn’t have a lot of friends, and she sits alone at lunch every day.

My daughter said that her and her friends decided a couple weeks ago to try and become friends with Tammy. She showed me some conversations on Facebook they have had with Tammy, asking her to sit with them at lunch.

But Tammy has refused, saying she is uncomfortable in crowds. Instead she sits at a lunch table by herself, doing her homework. My daughter said they very rarely see Tammy even eating lunch. She usually just has school books with her.

My daughter cried as she told me that she feels that she needs to do something, especially after hearing that song, and after hearing the story over at Heart Cries.

But she doesn’t know what to do.

We sat and talked about it, and finally settled on something to try. She is going to go to school this morning, and talk to her group of friends. They are going to decide on two of them to go sit with Tammy at lunch today. We decided that maybe instead of pouncing on her as a group of 8, a couple of them sitting with her wouldn’t make her feel so overwhelmed.

I’m anxious to hear how things go today with Tammy. I had a hard time keeping from crying last night as I sat there and listened to my daughter. She has such a good heart, and I admire her for reaching out to people as she feels called to do.

Today, I sit here and realize how much I want to be like my daughter. Honestly, if I was in the same situation– would I have acted as she did? Would I have made an effort to include someone that looked left out? I know I wouldn’t have done it when I was 8th grade, but even now, WOULD I?

She amazes me.

Every.

Single.

Waking.

Moment.

The Mom I Want to Be

Random thoughts today:

I want to be more like this mom. I want the prayer basket, the warm quiet place to read, and the opportunity to sit and soak it all in.

I want to be more like this mom, with her quick wit and good heart. She isn’t afraid to admit she’s not perfect, but she will be the first to admit she’s OK with that.

I want to be as creative as this mom, and have her sense of fashion and flair.

I want the strength of this mom, who can make her way through any trials and tribulations in life with dignity and grace.

I want the social skills of this mom. I want to be able to walk into a room and start up a conversation with a complete stranger. I can’t do that, but she sure can.

I want to be more like this mom, who makes the time to take care of her family, but still has time for her own activities.

I want to be as put together and organized as this mom. I want to feel successful as a parent, as a wife, and as a woman.

But the kind of mom I am? I have a to-do list miles long. I take each day as it comes, and if I can get through the day without anyone getting injured or sick, I chalk it up to being a success. I get up, get ready for work, come home, take my kids to the places they need to be, eat when we’re able to, and then it’s bedtime. I go to sleep only to wake up to another day of “more of the same.”

I want to slow down.
I want to make time for God.
I want to make time for exercise.
I want to make time for my family.
I want to need to make time for keeping my house in order.

I want to be the mom that gets up in the morning before everyone else, exercises, reads her Bible, and already knows what we’re having for dinner that night. I want to be the mom that doesn’t act or look stressed from juggling too many activities. I want to be the mom that can take part in book clubs, church Bible studies, and going for coffee with other moms. I don’t like being the mom that struggles with adding one more appointment, meeting or activity to an already overflowing calendar.

I try to come across as being one of those Moms that has it all together. Well dressed and well-behaved kids, a clean house, finances in order, and a good balance between work, home and LIFE. Sometimes I succeed at this, other times I fall flat on my face. More often than not, falling flat on my face is becoming the norm.

You may see me public with my kids in tow, and think I am this well-dressed put-together mom who can handle anything. You may read my blog posts and think I have it all, and everything I touch turns to gold (actually, I’m laughing as I write that.)

What you don’t see is that I am probably daydreaming– thinking the only thing I really want to do is go home, put on my sweats and watch TV while eating a bag of BBQ potato chips.

You don’t know that I feel nervous when meeting new people, and am terrified of starting a conversation with someone I don’t know.

You don’t see that I am a homebody, and would be perfectly content staying home every night and every weekend.

You don’t see me cringe at myself in the mirror every morning, because I am unhappy with my appearance.

You don’t see me panic every time my kids ask me “What’s for dinner?” because most of the time, I JUST DON’T KNOW.

I worry all the time of what people think of me, and how I appear to others.

I worry that people don’t like me.

I worry about the future.

I worry about how I will keep up with such a hectic pace in my life for much longer.

I don’t want to be this type of mom. I wanna be THAT mom, the moms I read about in my blog reader. Those moms that make me want to be better. Those moms that inspire me, make me laugh and make me admire them.

Moms like me are not capable of twiddling their thumbs for 3 MINUTES, let alone 3 MONTHS

On Monday, I got a call from the agency doing our background checks. They said they had completed everything, and everything came back perfect. Our backgrounds are clear (which we already knew), and they were ready for us to take the next step– signing up for 10 weeks of classes.

I was keeping my fingers crossed and praying hard they would have classes available on a weeknight we had free– which in this family, is pretty much TUESDAYS right now. Husband goes to school on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday nights right now until May. The classes we need to take are given on a rotating schedule, so one month they start 10 weeks of Monday classes, the next month they would start 10 weeks of Tuesday, etc, etc, etc… I was keeping my fingers crossed that the next classes would be TUESDAYS, and was disappointed when I found out that they weren’t. The first available class starts in March, and is on Thursdays.

We’re out of that one.

She then suggested we start Wednesday night classes in April. Can’t do that one, because husband has school for 3 more weeks after that. Also, my kids are getting very involved in their Wednesday night AWANAs and church youth group activities, and I don’t want to pull them out of that.

The next option is to wait until MAY. Tuesday night classes start May 18th.

May 18th, people. That’s over three months from now. Ten weeks of classes would mean getting done at the end of July. I’m not good at waiting. I am a very impatient person when I see what I want, and these next 90 days of doing NOTHING is going to be hard for me.

Right now, there are 3 little boys available for adoption that we are interested in learning more about. I’ve seen pictures, I’ve read a short bio on each of them, and have even seen a video of one of them. The waiting is eating me up inside, because until we complete our classes, we cannot get any more information about these three beautiful little boys. Based on the information we’ve read and seen so far, any of the three would be a wonderful addition to our family. Each little boy is so completely different and unique from the others — one is Caucasian, one African-American, and one Latino. They each have different hobbies, different likes and dislikes, and different special needs. But all three of these boys share one common thing — they are all looking for a “forever family” and it might be US.

I check nearly every day to make sure the boys are all still available. I have seen several children listed that now say “Placement Pending” and I get scared. I get scared that one of those little boys is meant to be OUR SON, and we might never get the chance to meet him.

God, I know You will let us know when the right time is. You will show us which child is meant to be ours. You will direct us through this process as You see fit. It will be hard for me, but I will wait. I will try my hardest to be patient, and know that what is meant to be, will be.

I will spend the next 90 days working on my list.