In honor of Foster Care Awareness Month, I am republishing this post. It was originally posted on September 27, 2011.

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81.5 million… the number of Americans that have considered adopting a child. According to The Dave Thomas Foundation, did you know that if just ONE of every 500 of these people adopted, every single child waiting in foster care would have a family?

66… the percentage of people considering adoption that won’t do it because they think the biological parents will take the child back. (Actually, once the parental rights are terminated, the bio parents CAN’T take the child back.)

45… the percentage of Americans that believe children are in foster care because they committed a crime. This is false. Almost always, children in foster care are the victims. Victims of neglect, abandonment or abuse.

ZERO… the cost most states charge a family to adopt from the foster care system.

Yes, you read that right. ZERO. In most states, every penny is reimbursed by the state. Not through your taxes, either. It’s just reimbursed to you. The court costs, the homestudy, fingerprints, EVERYTHING. You can find a really great resource through the Child Welfare Information Gateway that explains the costs of foster care adoption compared to other types of adoption. There are many people out there that want another child, yet do not have the money to pay upwards of $40,000 towards an adoption.

The sad thing is, the foster care system in your state and every other one in the country is loaded with foster care children that are looking for a “forever family.” If you are currently considering adoption, have ever even remotely thought about it, or maybe have dismissed the idea because of financial reasons, please take some time to do a little reading.

Some great websites to check out that have been very helpful to us:

Iowa KidsNet - explains the process, allows you to see waiting children in Iowa. A great resource!

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption – this site is FULL of information and you can order some of their publications for FREE.

Adoptive Families Circle – A community of people in all stages of the adoption process. Includes all types of adoptions.

Adoption Photolistings at Adoptions.com – Browse or search the waiting children throughout the country.

Adopt US Kids - Another photolisting of waiting children in the United States. Also includes some great information about foster care and adoption, in general.

National Adoption Center

Iowa Foster & Adoptive Parents Association – A place to sign up for training classes, find support groups, and learn more about foster and adoption in Iowa.

Some books to read:
1. The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting (See all Adoption Books)
2. Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents
3. Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches
4. In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends
5. The Blind Side (Movie Tie-in Edition)
6. I Beat the Odds: From Homelessness, to The Blind Side, and Beyond
7. Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
8. Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special-Needs KidsA Guide for Parents and Professionals
9. Three Little Words: A Memoir(fiction)

Credits:
Statistics from the Dave Thomas FoundationPhoto Credit: Professional Parenting NC
Links to books on Amazon.com are affiliate links, and I will receive a very small percentage of the sale, should you choose to purchase a book. If you prefer, you can go directly to Amazon’s site and search for the books you want.

It’s MAY! Do you know what that means? May is Foster Care Awareness Month. This month, I am joining in with Dearest Jessica to bring you some very informative posts about foster care and also adopting from foster care. I read back through my posts over the last couple years, and how naive we were, thinking this would be a simple process and poof! we’d have a child. It doesn’t quite work that way, but on the other hand, can be the most rewarding experience of your life.

My first post for Foster Care Awareness Month is one that you have probably seen before. It was originally posted on November 15, 2011.
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This morning, I was catching up on the adoption news of my friend Tracy and her husband, Jason. They are currently in China this week, getting ready to bring home their two sons, Corban and Tegan. They are now officially the parents of six. (They also adopted their daughter, Angel, from China a couple years ago. )

Tracy shared a wonderful post written by Julia at MomLife Today which discusses the struggles families go through when adopting older children. Sometimes you see on TV and in the movies when people adopt an older child, it seems as if the child is “saved” from this horrible life they had. (Think “Annie” or “The Blind Side”) The new family they join is wonderful and perfect, and there is this magical happy ending that sums everything up in 2 hours or less.

When you adopt a baby, your friends and family see adoption differently than when you adopt a toddler or a school-aged child. When you adopt an older child, those around you tend to assume you’ve got things under control. You don’t need day care, you don’t need diapers. You don’t need help with anything, right? This should be a piece of cake– this kid can walk, talk, should be self-sufficient and should be thrilled to have a family! There should be no problems, right?

Think about this for a minute. Let’s think about your own child at age 4-5-6, which is the approximate age of child we want to adopt. Think about how AWARE your child is of everything at that age. So you can imagine when we bring a child this age into our home– they are not going to completely erase the memory of their previous life and suddenly say we are his parents. They have to grieve the loss of their “old life.” He will remember his parents, his siblings, his grandparents, his room, his toys, his school. He will probably have nightmares, he will probably have a difficult time adjusting to his new school and making friends. He will more than likely need counseling to help him adjust to his new surroundings and to attach to us.

Our birth children have to adjust to sharing our attention with another child. We all have to adjust to new schedules, an adjusted budget, and an overwhelming experience.

Children adopted through the foster system usually come to your home with not a lot more than clothes on their backs. They might have some clothing, but not much. So being prepared to spend a lot of money on an entire wardrobe is essential– coats, shoes, jeans, shirts, sweatshirts, socks, underwear, pajamas… Did you know in Iowa, the foster care system pays a clothing allowance of only $250 PER YEAR? How much can you buy for YOUR child on $250 a year– when that has to purchase EVERYTHING?

Julia’s post had some great ideas on things anyone can do to help families you know that have recently adopted or are doing foster care. Maybe you know some people in your community that have adopted, people you go to church with, people you work with, your neighbors, your family members– many times they won’t ask for your help.

Here’s some suggestions, per Julia:

How can you help a family who has recently added a child through adoption or foster care?

• Understand their need to close the doors for awhile. Social gatherings and public places are overwhelming ro an adjusting child and exhausted parents. Bonding is a full-time job and all other exterior-responsibilities need to be minimized. Finding 10 minutes alone to shower is a monumental task and the thought of dealing with meltdowns in public can be downright daunting.
• But knock on the door (after calling ahead!) with a meal, gift card, an offer to mow the lawn or take home laundry. Help is needed just as much (we found needed more!) when bringing home an older child as when having a newborn. The entire family needs extra time and attention.
• Invite the other siblings over for a play date or sleepover. Their world has been turned upside-down, too!
• Come and play with the kids so Mom can enjoy a nap (especially if jet-lagged), spend time with a child one-on-one or catch up on some chores.
• Help create ‘bonding moments’ with the new child. Babysit the other siblings so the new parents can take their new son or daughter to a movie or shopping. Or give a gift card to the local mini golf course and pizza place and give the entire family a chance to make new memories together.
• Volunteer to come and stay with the kids after they are in bed so Mom and Dad can go out for coffee or a walk alone. It may be too disruptive to have a sitter so they can go out for the evening but they still need a little time alone. After the kids are sleeping will cause less disruption.
• Extend grace for a last minute cancellation of plans, forgotten responsibilities (really? I signed up to bring treats today? ), and lost conversations (you told me that 5 minutes ago? I’m so sorry!).
• Have a good camera? Take some family photos or individual candid shots as a gift to the family.
• Listen with compassion, ever when you are tired of hearing the same frustrations. Give a hug or a laugh. Celebrate the happy and funny moments.

(Credit: How to Help an Adoptive Family)

I’m going to add in a few of my own ideas, too:

1. Organize an “Adoption Shower” for the family. Be understanding of the fact that they may want this to happen without the child present as it may be too overwhelming for the child to be around a large crowd of people, but still – showers aren’t just for BABIES!
2. Send a card to let the family know you are thinking of them.
3. Add the family to your prayer list.
4. Call or email just to let the family know you’re thinking of them and praying for them.
5. Ask for a list of clothing sizes or specific needs they have for clothing items. Keep an eye out at garage sales, thrift stores, or even in your own home for items you might be able to pass along.
6. Be a good friend — be respectful of the family’s choices and decisions. They are doing they best they can. Again, respect that.

As you can see, there are many ways you can help ease the transition for these children and their families. Every little bit helps!

I knew the story wasn’t over for 7-year old Apple.

Two weeks ago today, we received the phone call that Apple’s current foster family was “leaning towards adoption.”

Everything in my brain was telling me to move on, to let go, to quit dreaming that we would get a placement so quickly.

But my heart said that wouldn’t be the last time we hear from Apple.

Today, we received a call that the family that was supposedly “leaning towards adoption” and has had Apple in their home since February 2011 had contacted someone at DHS requesting several more days of respite care for this child. One time for a weekend they are going out of town later this month, and the other for an entire week while they take a FAMILY VACATION.

Oh yes, they are taking a family vacation in May (before school gets out, mind you) and NOT wanting to take along the child they are LEANING TOWARDS ADOPTING?

Someone please tell just me how f***ed up that is? I can’t even wrap my brain around the craziness that this child has been through, and now when his mother’s termination hearing is coming up soon, they want to dump him with strangers so that they can take a week-long vacation.

Because of all of this, the option was presented to us again if we would like to not only be the respite provider for the days the family is asking for… But– if things work out, we could decide to take him permanently.

As in, ADOPTING HIM.

Can you hear my jaw dropping to the floor?

Can you hear my stomach twisting up in knots?

There are still lots of things to work out, of course. We have to talk to our own kids. We also have to talk to Spark, our current foster kiddo. While I think he might be excited to have another little boy in the house his age, I think he needs to be prepared for whats to come.

Foster care and adoption…what a crazy ride.

So that little boy I was telling you about last week? The one that we were hoping to meet but the weird foster parents couldn’t make up their mind what they wanted to do?

Well, they had until last Friday to decide.

And they did.

SORTA, KINDA, but NOT REALLY.

Last Thursday morning, I got a phone call from Apple’s caseworker (we’ll call him “Apple” from here on out.) She said she got a call from the foster dad that morning, and he said he was ready to give her their decision on what they planned to do.

Their decison on whether they want to adopt Apple, the little boy that has been living with them since February 2011?

“Right now, we are leaning towards adoption.”

Back up the boat. Is that even an answer?

They are leaning towards adoption? That still is not a yes or a no, am I right?

So, as of today– Apple is scheduled to officially not have parents anymore in less than a month, and this family cannot pull their heads out of their ass to decide what they want to do. And, Apple is being kept in limbo not knowing what’s happening.

Yet, my family is almost willing to say YES before we’ve even met the little guy. I’m sad, I’m disappointed, but I’m thankful we never got to meet him. Because that, my friends, would have been unbearable for me. To spend a weekend with him, fall in love with him, and then get told –”oops, we changed our mind. Now give him back!” It makes my stomach hurt thinking about it.

So, my comment to the caseworker and to myself every single day I think about this little boy I’ve never met:

“That family needs to shit or get off the pot. Let’s make a decision!”

The only light at the end of this long, dark, dreary crappy tunnel is that the caseworker is keeping us in mind should this situation change.

I’m just trying to not think about it, thanks to a lovely distraction that came our way the very next day.

Stay tuned.

“Previously on Sincerely, Jenni…”

That’s how I feel, just updating everyone from week to week on nothing but waiting around. Are y’all getting as bored as I am?

So last week, I had mentioned that we would be getting to meet an 8-year old boy that we were matched with for an adoptive placement.

As of today, we still haven’t met him, haven’t even seen a picture of him.

Because the foster family he is currently with cannot make up their mind now if they really want to let him go.

They have had this little boy in their home for 13 months, and gave their TEN-DAY NOTICE TEN MONTHS AGO.

Yes, you read that right. They have had him almost 10 months longer than they were supposed to. Over the course of those ten months, they have grown to love him– but still haven’t decided if they want to adopt him.

The caseworker wants to get things moving on this case, because birth mom’s termination hearing is set for early May. He needs to be in a definite adoptive home before that. The foster family has been a little evasive and very flaky about what they want to do, and in my teenage daughter’s lingo– I can only describe them as “sketchy.”

The little boy’s caseworker spoke to the family this past Monday, and has given them until TOMORROW to make a decision one way or the other.

To sum it all up, tomorrow could be a day of great joy for us. Or, it could be a day we get told to just keep on waiting.

Either way, a little boy is going to find out he has a forever family and that’s what matters more than anything.