What I’m Reading – Finishing up Fifty Shades Freed.

Listening to – My country music playlist on my iPhone. I’m currently just lovin’ all over Jason Aldean’s music.

Working on- Keeping my personal calendar in sync with the family calendar in the kitchen

Drinking – Diet A&W root beer (caffeine free!)

Wondering – If there’s any chance we will get to adopt Spark, our current foster son.

Seeing – Some new opportunities on the horizon.

Feeling grateful for – A new boss that I love!

Dreaming – of taking a vacation with my husband– to someplace warm.

Loving – My family. It’s just about perfect right now.

Feeling – Overwhelmed now that spring/summer sports season is officially underway.

One of the main reasons I was against doing foster care in the beginning was because we only wanted to adopt. I didn’t think I would be able to handle getting close to a child, bonding with them, having them become attached to our family, and then sending them home. I was worried that there was a big chance that we would never see them again, and it made me sad. I’m not strong enough.

Or am I?

That’s a fear a lot of people have when dismissing foster care as something they are capable of.

So let me tell you about “Spark.”

Spark is our 8-year old foster child and he been in our home a little over a month. He was removed from mom’s house, and then sent to live with his dad. At the end of March, Spark and his three sisters were removed from Dad’s home. I can’t tell you the reasons why, so we’ll just leave it at that.

Spark has moved around a lot, and was basically playing the role of parent to his three younger sisters. For this reason, he was placed in a foster home separate from them, in the hopes that his foster family would give him the chance to just be a kid.

That’s exactly what we are doing.

Spark is getting the chance to be a normal 8-year old boy. He is playing baseball, and he is riding his bike, and he is able to go play at the school playground and hang out with the neighborhood kids. He is fitting in so well with our family, it’s just seems like he’s been here forever.

Are we bonding and attaching with him? Yes, but not like you would think. He calls us by our first names, and that’s fine. Some foster kids immediately start calling their foster parents “Mom” and “Dad” but all kids process things differently. Spark does not give us hugs yet, and we don’t force the issue. He does require that I tuck him into bed each night, and the only physical affection I have attempted so far is patting the top of his head after I’ve tucked him in, and sometimes I put my around him when he comes up to talk to me.

Kids (especially kids Spark’s age) struggle with attaching to their foster families, for fear of betraying their parents. I think sometimes Spark worries that if he gets to comfortable in our family, he is going to upset his parents.

It’s a tough line he’s balancing.

Bottom line, we had to go into this process knowing that no matter what– we would be happy for whatever is in Spark’s best interest. If he goes back to his parents, we will be happy for him. We will be sad to see him leave, but rejoice that a family is being reunited.

If he stays with us forever, we’d of course be overjoyed at that outcome too. On the other hand, there would be a grieving process because he’d be losing his birth family.

Foster care requires patience, compassion, empathy, and LOVE. It’s being able to love a child that is not yours– unconditionally. So many families out there have the room in their hearts and their home for just one more, but just aren’t ready to commit.

Think about it. It will change your life and the life of a child.

In honor of Foster Care Awareness Month, I am republishing this post. It was originally posted on September 27, 2011.

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81.5 million… the number of Americans that have considered adopting a child. According to The Dave Thomas Foundation, did you know that if just ONE of every 500 of these people adopted, every single child waiting in foster care would have a family?

66… the percentage of people considering adoption that won’t do it because they think the biological parents will take the child back. (Actually, once the parental rights are terminated, the bio parents CAN’T take the child back.)

45… the percentage of Americans that believe children are in foster care because they committed a crime. This is false. Almost always, children in foster care are the victims. Victims of neglect, abandonment or abuse.

ZERO… the cost most states charge a family to adopt from the foster care system.

Yes, you read that right. ZERO. In most states, every penny is reimbursed by the state. Not through your taxes, either. It’s just reimbursed to you. The court costs, the homestudy, fingerprints, EVERYTHING. You can find a really great resource through the Child Welfare Information Gateway that explains the costs of foster care adoption compared to other types of adoption. There are many people out there that want another child, yet do not have the money to pay upwards of $40,000 towards an adoption.

The sad thing is, the foster care system in your state and every other one in the country is loaded with foster care children that are looking for a “forever family.” If you are currently considering adoption, have ever even remotely thought about it, or maybe have dismissed the idea because of financial reasons, please take some time to do a little reading.

Some great websites to check out that have been very helpful to us:

Iowa KidsNet - explains the process, allows you to see waiting children in Iowa. A great resource!

Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption – this site is FULL of information and you can order some of their publications for FREE.

Adoptive Families Circle – A community of people in all stages of the adoption process. Includes all types of adoptions.

Adoption Photolistings at Adoptions.com – Browse or search the waiting children throughout the country.

Adopt US Kids - Another photolisting of waiting children in the United States. Also includes some great information about foster care and adoption, in general.

National Adoption Center

Iowa Foster & Adoptive Parents Association – A place to sign up for training classes, find support groups, and learn more about foster and adoption in Iowa.

Some books to read:
1. The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting (See all Adoption Books)
2. Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents
3. Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches
4. In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends
5. The Blind Side (Movie Tie-in Edition)
6. I Beat the Odds: From Homelessness, to The Blind Side, and Beyond
7. Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
8. Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special-Needs KidsA Guide for Parents and Professionals
9. Three Little Words: A Memoir(fiction)

Credits:
Statistics from the Dave Thomas FoundationPhoto Credit: Professional Parenting NC
Links to books on Amazon.com are affiliate links, and I will receive a very small percentage of the sale, should you choose to purchase a book. If you prefer, you can go directly to Amazon’s site and search for the books you want.

It’s MAY! Do you know what that means? May is Foster Care Awareness Month. This month, I am joining in with Dearest Jessica to bring you some very informative posts about foster care and also adopting from foster care. I read back through my posts over the last couple years, and how naive we were, thinking this would be a simple process and poof! we’d have a child. It doesn’t quite work that way, but on the other hand, can be the most rewarding experience of your life.

My first post for Foster Care Awareness Month is one that you have probably seen before. It was originally posted on November 15, 2011.
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This morning, I was catching up on the adoption news of my friend Tracy and her husband, Jason. They are currently in China this week, getting ready to bring home their two sons, Corban and Tegan. They are now officially the parents of six. (They also adopted their daughter, Angel, from China a couple years ago. )

Tracy shared a wonderful post written by Julia at MomLife Today which discusses the struggles families go through when adopting older children. Sometimes you see on TV and in the movies when people adopt an older child, it seems as if the child is “saved” from this horrible life they had. (Think “Annie” or “The Blind Side”) The new family they join is wonderful and perfect, and there is this magical happy ending that sums everything up in 2 hours or less.

When you adopt a baby, your friends and family see adoption differently than when you adopt a toddler or a school-aged child. When you adopt an older child, those around you tend to assume you’ve got things under control. You don’t need day care, you don’t need diapers. You don’t need help with anything, right? This should be a piece of cake– this kid can walk, talk, should be self-sufficient and should be thrilled to have a family! There should be no problems, right?

Think about this for a minute. Let’s think about your own child at age 4-5-6, which is the approximate age of child we want to adopt. Think about how AWARE your child is of everything at that age. So you can imagine when we bring a child this age into our home– they are not going to completely erase the memory of their previous life and suddenly say we are his parents. They have to grieve the loss of their “old life.” He will remember his parents, his siblings, his grandparents, his room, his toys, his school. He will probably have nightmares, he will probably have a difficult time adjusting to his new school and making friends. He will more than likely need counseling to help him adjust to his new surroundings and to attach to us.

Our birth children have to adjust to sharing our attention with another child. We all have to adjust to new schedules, an adjusted budget, and an overwhelming experience.

Children adopted through the foster system usually come to your home with not a lot more than clothes on their backs. They might have some clothing, but not much. So being prepared to spend a lot of money on an entire wardrobe is essential– coats, shoes, jeans, shirts, sweatshirts, socks, underwear, pajamas… Did you know in Iowa, the foster care system pays a clothing allowance of only $250 PER YEAR? How much can you buy for YOUR child on $250 a year– when that has to purchase EVERYTHING?

Julia’s post had some great ideas on things anyone can do to help families you know that have recently adopted or are doing foster care. Maybe you know some people in your community that have adopted, people you go to church with, people you work with, your neighbors, your family members– many times they won’t ask for your help.

Here’s some suggestions, per Julia:

How can you help a family who has recently added a child through adoption or foster care?

• Understand their need to close the doors for awhile. Social gatherings and public places are overwhelming ro an adjusting child and exhausted parents. Bonding is a full-time job and all other exterior-responsibilities need to be minimized. Finding 10 minutes alone to shower is a monumental task and the thought of dealing with meltdowns in public can be downright daunting.
• But knock on the door (after calling ahead!) with a meal, gift card, an offer to mow the lawn or take home laundry. Help is needed just as much (we found needed more!) when bringing home an older child as when having a newborn. The entire family needs extra time and attention.
• Invite the other siblings over for a play date or sleepover. Their world has been turned upside-down, too!
• Come and play with the kids so Mom can enjoy a nap (especially if jet-lagged), spend time with a child one-on-one or catch up on some chores.
• Help create ‘bonding moments’ with the new child. Babysit the other siblings so the new parents can take their new son or daughter to a movie or shopping. Or give a gift card to the local mini golf course and pizza place and give the entire family a chance to make new memories together.
• Volunteer to come and stay with the kids after they are in bed so Mom and Dad can go out for coffee or a walk alone. It may be too disruptive to have a sitter so they can go out for the evening but they still need a little time alone. After the kids are sleeping will cause less disruption.
• Extend grace for a last minute cancellation of plans, forgotten responsibilities (really? I signed up to bring treats today? ), and lost conversations (you told me that 5 minutes ago? I’m so sorry!).
• Have a good camera? Take some family photos or individual candid shots as a gift to the family.
• Listen with compassion, ever when you are tired of hearing the same frustrations. Give a hug or a laugh. Celebrate the happy and funny moments.

(Credit: How to Help an Adoptive Family)

I’m going to add in a few of my own ideas, too:

1. Organize an “Adoption Shower” for the family. Be understanding of the fact that they may want this to happen without the child present as it may be too overwhelming for the child to be around a large crowd of people, but still – showers aren’t just for BABIES!
2. Send a card to let the family know you are thinking of them.
3. Add the family to your prayer list.
4. Call or email just to let the family know you’re thinking of them and praying for them.
5. Ask for a list of clothing sizes or specific needs they have for clothing items. Keep an eye out at garage sales, thrift stores, or even in your own home for items you might be able to pass along.
6. Be a good friend — be respectful of the family’s choices and decisions. They are doing they best they can. Again, respect that.

As you can see, there are many ways you can help ease the transition for these children and their families. Every little bit helps!

Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Let me start off by saying I didn’t want to like this book. And it is definitely not a book you’d want to recommend to your mom! I had heard mixed reviews of the book from several people, including Brittany at Barefoot Foodie.

All I had heard about this book was that it:

1. is poorly written

2. repetitive

3. the author’s first book she’s ever written.

4. basically porn on paper

I wasn’t going to bother spending the $9.99 on my Nook to even buy it, because I figured I would only get through the first few pages and then my OCD would kick in and I’d have to start circling errors with a red pen.

Then one of my co-workers revealed to me that she had read the first book, and not only did she like it– but she went ahead and read the other two in the trilogy as well. Her book club was even going to read it!

So $9.99 was charged to my debit card quicker than Anastasia Steele could bite her lip.

Fifty Shades of Grey is based on a college student named Anastasia Steele, who fills in for her college newspaper friend and goes to interview a rich young bachelor named Christian Grey.

1. Christian is HOT,
2. he’s sexy
3. he’s got grey eyes
4. He also goes wild for Ana biting her lip when she gets confused or upset about something.

Each of these facts will be repeated about a kazillion times in the book.

Anastasia (Ana) is a virgin, and falls for Christian immediately. She senses something odd about him, but can’t quite place her finger on it. Until she is presented with a proposition from Mr. Grey. He has a fetish for BDSM, and wants to be the dominant to Ana’s submissive character.

Even though Christian is freaky as all get out, and Ana is stupid as stupid can be, I still liked this book.

Did I love it? I don’t know. It was very intense, very graphic, and sometimes more than I could handle. The book details some pretty intense sexual encounters between the two, and will open your eyes to the world of sado-masochistic sex.

There were some flaws in the book, though. Ana is supposed to be an American college student, yet the words she uses makes her sound like a British prude. For example, I have never in my life heard any college student use the word “taciturn.”

In addition to her unbelieveable language, she also is a college student that does not own a laptop nor know how to use one. She borrows all of her clothes from her friend, and she has no knowledge of birth control. She also is a college student that seems to be OK with a grown man whom she hasn’t even known for that long bending her over his knee and spanking her hard enough to bring tears to his eyes. Which really is no surprise, since she spends most of the book crying about one thing or another anyway.

Now that I have pretty much talked you out of reading this book, just go buy it and read it for yourself. Then you can come and tell me how much you hated it, while we exchange knowing glances about the down ‘n’ dirty sex that went on in a mere 391 pages, and the fact that no one wants to admit that they loved this book for fear someone assume they are into being tied up and spanked.

Go ahead. READ IT. I’ll be busy moving on to the second book in the trilogy, Fifty Shades Darker.

C’mon… you know you want to. Because despite all the negative annoying things in this book, it’s just freaking HOT.



View all my reviews

Update: For those of you emailed me about helping with a graduation party for Dallas, please stay tuned! We should have more information in the next week or so.

Party is scheduled for Sunday, May 20th from 2-4pm. I will email everyone that has volunteered to give them the location and items that we need as soon as I have the list ready!

Today, I heard a story about a foster child that is not only surviving, but is SUCCEEDING.

Let me tell you about Dallas*.

Dallas is 18 years old, and is a senior in a central Iowa high school. Dallas is involved in football, basketball, and tennis. He will be attending a private college in the area on a sports scholarship this fall.

Dallas has no family, and aged out of the foster care system on his 18th birthday. He is currently in independent living while he finishes high school. Independent Living means he is given a private apartment and lives on his own– but only until mid-summer. He doesn’t have a mom or dad to help him with his laundry, help him shop for groceries, balance a checkbook, or be there for his high school graduation coming up soon. He will have no parents to help hin move into his dorm, give him a hug or tell him to stay out of trouble. No one to pat him on the back and say they are proud of him. He won’t have a parent to call if he’s homesick, because he has no place to really call home.

Despite all of the obstacles stacked against him, Dallas is perservering. He has stayed in school, he is a good student, and he is graduating with a scholarship to college.

He’s going to make it.

Dallas has only one wish, though.

He wants a graduation party. He wants cake, and mints and tablecloths on the tables.

This is where I feel like WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING. I don’t even know who reads this anymore, but I can’t get this kid out of my head and so I am asking for help. If any of you in the central Iowa area would be willing to help out, we can give this amazing young man a fabulous graduation party. Whether you donate money, plastic tablecloths, silverware, cups, anything… every little bit will help.

I will know more in the next week or so about the party specifics. Once we have a list of needed items ready, I will post it here to see if anyone can help out.

* Name changed for privacy reasons.

Well, I must have lost my darn mind.

I signed myself up for a 5k with a few friends. We will be RUNNING in the 5k Buddy Walk on August 25th to benefit children with Down Syndrome.

Looks like I will be starting the Couch-to-5K program very soon!

I knew the story wasn’t over for 7-year old Apple.

Two weeks ago today, we received the phone call that Apple’s current foster family was “leaning towards adoption.”

Everything in my brain was telling me to move on, to let go, to quit dreaming that we would get a placement so quickly.

But my heart said that wouldn’t be the last time we hear from Apple.

Today, we received a call that the family that was supposedly “leaning towards adoption” and has had Apple in their home since February 2011 had contacted someone at DHS requesting several more days of respite care for this child. One time for a weekend they are going out of town later this month, and the other for an entire week while they take a FAMILY VACATION.

Oh yes, they are taking a family vacation in May (before school gets out, mind you) and NOT wanting to take along the child they are LEANING TOWARDS ADOPTING?

Someone please tell just me how f***ed up that is? I can’t even wrap my brain around the craziness that this child has been through, and now when his mother’s termination hearing is coming up soon, they want to dump him with strangers so that they can take a week-long vacation.

Because of all of this, the option was presented to us again if we would like to not only be the respite provider for the days the family is asking for… But– if things work out, we could decide to take him permanently.

As in, ADOPTING HIM.

Can you hear my jaw dropping to the floor?

Can you hear my stomach twisting up in knots?

There are still lots of things to work out, of course. We have to talk to our own kids. We also have to talk to Spark, our current foster kiddo. While I think he might be excited to have another little boy in the house his age, I think he needs to be prepared for whats to come.

Foster care and adoption…what a crazy ride.

Yes, that lovely distraction I was talking about at the end of yesterday’s post.

After I spent all of last Thursday feeling extremely bummed out and sad, and wondering why everyone kept telling us that adopting through foster care would be EASY PEASY… God apparently decided to throw us a bone Friday morning, the very next day.

Friday morning, we received a call about yet another foster placement. We had been specifically recommended for this one,too- which was very interesting.

Everyone, meet Spark. Our latest foster placement.

Spark is 8 years old, and loves to play baseball. He is the cutest, sweetest little boy in the world, and I can already tell– will be a tough one to let go when the time comes.

But for now, I’m soaking it all up.